I See You

I'm going to let you have a little insight into some of my craziness.    I can be totally secure in some one's love for me when they are with me.   But as soon as they are gone, I start to have my doubts.  Which is ironic because I'm sure I'm much easier to love when you are not actually in my presence.  It's almost as if I feel that as soon I'm not in someone's presence they forget all about me and I'm not worthy of love anymore.  It's why I like the greeting in James Cameron's film, Avatar.   In the film, the Na'vi greet each other by saying, "I see you."  It's as if they are giving validity to the other person's existence.

This tendency, or paranoia or whatever is has created some peculiarities in me.  For instance, I think it is where my joy of texting comes from.  I don't need to have to be in your presence, or I can be doing something else, and still communicating with you.  Heck, I can be talking to one person and having a text conversation with someone with my phone at my side and the first person doesn't even realize it.  (Okay--maybe some ADHD comes in there also)   I think it's where my tendency to always try to leave my wife notes, or phone messages (or texts) telling her that I love her.  Yeah, I want her to know that I love her but I also don't want her to forget about me while she is at work, the grocery store, the bathroom---where ever she may be (you should have seen what a nut case I was when she went to Greece two years ago.)  It can also cause me to be very lonely even when I'm surrounded by people who love me because I'm worried about the love of those who aren't around me.

One thing I am totally assured of is God's love for me.  I don't know that I've ever doubted God's love for me.  Maybe it's because I am constantly in His presence.   Tim Burke had an interesting post over at Salvation is an Adventure where he questions whether or not God really loves him.  He brings up some really interesting points such as if he is assured of God's love then why would he sin or why doesn't he fully trust God.

When I read Tim's blog, I thought, "well, that blows holes in my theory" but then, realizing that people are different, that my theory does still hold water.  You see, I think I sin, not because I doubt the love of God, which completely selfless, but because I don't love Him as I should and instead, am selfish.  I am so sure of God's love and mercy that I'm guilty of the sin of taking God's mercy for granted and am presumptuous. 

Why do I do this?? I'm not sure.  I really don't know.  I know I need to try to make changes in my life.  I need to be more appreciative of God's love and try harder to love Him more.  The second thing is I need to be more appreciative of the people I am with.  I need to show them my love by focusing on them more.  Finally, I need to show more trust in those loved one's I'm not around. I need to trust that they love me even if they aren't there to show it to me at that moment.   Of course, I find that it's easier to say that I need to work on things that it actually is to do it.  Hold on . . . I'm getting a text.