Diaconate Dropout

I've been holding something back from many people for the last several weeks.   Very few people knew about it but I'm finally throwing it out there----I'm a diaconate drop-out.   Yes, I've discerned that the diaconate isn't for me--at least not at this point in my life. 

I'd been contemplating the diaconate for over two years.  For the longest time I seemed like something I could be really good at--and I do think I would be a good deacon.  

But every since the first get together dinner back in February I have had uneasy feelings about it.  I had decided to stick it out throught the aspirancy because I didn't want to be running away from God. And then some sort of diaconate function would come up.  I would get incredibly uneasy.  I wanted to be ANYWHERE but there.  I think if I'm doing something that I am passionate about and that would be life changing like ordination I should be excited about it.  I was anything but excited about it.

It seemed to have turned my faith into a job or a chore.  I want to pray because I want (or need) to pray, not because I'm directed to.  I want to volunteer how I want to volunteer.  I want to worship when and where I want to worship not where someone else tells me.  I want to dress how I want to not the way someone else tells me.  I want to blog how I want without the fear of being second guessed.   I realize that doesn't say a lot about my obedience but it's how I feel.  

 
Interestingly enough, I made my decision at my Cursillo weekend back in September.  I realized that the formation process just doesn't fit into my life right now.  The week-end prior to my Cursillo, I had to be up for over 24 hours for a formation event.  Then, I had to move days off for this Cursillo weekend  (that I was doing as a retreat for the diaconate) and ended up missing a ton of time with my family and was just overworked.  I just couldn't do that for four years.

 
When I would think of the diaconate I would be stressed.  When I would imagine myself out of the diaconate I would be at peace.  I think that was Gods way of telling me that it isn't my calling.  I don't think its the devils doing.  

Interestingly enough, my Cursillio weekend had another impact on my discernment.  I was able to see and experience these incredible Holy lay people.  I realized that there are other ways that I can win souls for God.  I don't have to be ordained to further my spiritual journey or to become a saint myself.  I have a passion for youth ministry.  I have touched many people with my blog. I don't need the diaconate to become more holy.  There are pleanty of pious lay people.

I will say that I'm glad I went through the process.   I met plenty of great people.  It is a great aspirant class.  The Diocese of Kansas City-St. Joseph is very fortunate.   I would definately encourage anyone who feels that ping from God to check it out and discern if it's for them or not. 

I won't say that the diaconate is totally out of the picture.  God may have planted the seed in my head for a reason but right now just isn't the time for me.  Maybe in five years.  Maybe in ten years.  My family will all be older.  I may be in a position where I have a Monday-Friday position on the police department.  Who knows.   I do think I would be a really good deacon.  Now is just not the time.