The frustration is only beginning I think. I'm barely into my diaconate aspirancy and I have so many doubts. Fortunately, it is only the beginning. I have a long LONG time left to make a final decision but yet every day I wonder if the diaconate is for me. To be honest---I could totally walk away and be perfectly happy. But certain events in my life are occurring that make me really feel that this is where God wants me and that I could help a lot of people by being a deacon. It while it just doesn't seem comfortable I think it's important that I follow God's will and not my own. I just have to figure out what God's will is.
I realize I'm not alone. I realize there are people all over the world trying to discern God's will. Should they be a priest? Should they become a religious sister? Maybe they are just sitting there asking God, "How do I find my way?" Heck, there are even people who bring God into all their life decisions, "Lord, what shade of beige should I paint my house?"
How do you know what God wants you to do? Obviously, if you came here looking for answers you came to the wrong place or else I wouldn't be struggling so much over my own discernment. I wish it was as easy as when Samuel told Eli to just say, "Speak, Lord, your servant is listening." Maybe it is that easy for some people. Maybe discernment for some is very easy and their decision just makes perfect sense to them. Maybe they actually do get a clap of lighting or maybe a huge storm that makes it feel like their house is coming off of their foundation.
As for me, it seems that God is speaking to me in whispers as opposed to a roaring wind. Perhaps I'm not realizing that he is speaking to me. Like I said, certain people God has put in my life make me feel like He wants me to be a deacon. Like I said, I realize that I have a long road a head of me and a long time to decide. I know that I need to shut up, sit back, and listen but wouldn't it just be so much easier if God said in a thundering voice, "Jamie, I want you to ______."
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Perhaps taking your doubts (or doubt...if you really only have one) and delving deeply into the root of that doubt might help?
ReplyDeleteIt is good that there is a long discernment and preparation process for being a deacon (and a priest!). I wish you well and will keep you in my prayers.
I don't know why, but this post has been on my mind since I read it in my reader on my phone a few days ago. I think it's because you've ministered to me through your words on this blog and I think you would make an excellent deacon. Your understanding of the Catholic faith coupled with your compassion, sense of humor, and willingness to admit your sins to others are all pluses, imho.
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