Monster

"Monster" by the group Skillet in a song that works so much better when the volume is cranke (that means up to 30, Abby--not 15) and it's one that just speaks to me. The opening lines, "the secret side of me, I never let you see. I keep it caged but I can't control it" some how resonates within in me. Sometimes I feel like I have a facade where I put on a smiley face and crack a joke but inside there is something darker--a spiritual battle where I am trying to break the chains of sin.

The song continues saying how the beast is trying to break out and as soon as it comes out it can't be controlled asking for someone to make it stop and help it end. I know that if I allowed my sins to go unchecked that would take over me and I wouldn't be able to do anything because sin would control me. It's only through the grace of God that I will be able to beat it and truly be free.

I hear the song and not only do I realize that it sounds like the spiritual warfare that challenges me and rages inside of me every single day but I realize it's sort of like the modern day equivalent of what St. Paul was saying when he wrote in Romans 7: 19-20, "For I do not do the good I want, but I do the evil I do not want. Now if (I) do what I do not want, it is not longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me."

This is one of my favorite Bible verses because it's St. Paul--who know, the guy who wrote most of the Bible--talking how he wants to do good but some how he fails because of the "Monster" that dwells within. That's how I feel. It's like sin is just entrenched deep inside of me, yet it's right there beneath the skin and it makes me feel like a monster. And I hate what it makes me.

I know my failings. I know where I am tempted. That's why I become so frustrated with myself because like Paul, I know what I want to do but yet I fail to do it and do that which I don't want to do. I love confession but sometimes I hate it (which I should) because I feel like I can just say to the priest, "yeah--those sins I confessed last time?? Yeah---I did them again. I know I said I wouldn't do them again but I did."

Then the song says, "it's hiding in the dark" reminds me of what Jesus says that all of our sins are in the dark and it's not until we desire to live in the light that we can live without sin. That's why I like the end of the video where it shows the people walking out of the labortory and walking into the light. Even though I let this monster out of it's cage, I know that through the sacraments I can do better and more importantly, that I will be I will be forgiven when I show myself for the monster I've become. I'm forgiven and Christ shows me that I'm not a monster, but someone who is made in the image and likeness of God and who He loves so much that He gave His life for.