Information for Catholics

This information is for Catholics only.

It must not be divulged to non-Catholics.

The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.



AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN:
A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH:
The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
(The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW:
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.